A Handy Guide for the Nefarious

This month:


Okay, let’s get one thing straight:

It’s WINE CLUB…not “Ladies’ Wine Club!”

A proper Wine Club occurs around a campfire because there is way more privacy for Nefarious Activities.

Creating a Wine Club is fairly simple, but if you’re going to use your Wine Club for Nefarious Purposes, see below for a few tips.

Step 1: Invite your friends.

Many activities require that you first create a plan and manage the setup BEFORE you start inviting your friends. This is not the case with Wine Club. Wine Club is made up of friends: there is no Wine Club without them.

Step 2: Gather Materials.

This wine bottle is already conveniently located on a tree. Clearly it is waiting for us.

Wine. It’s very important to bring wine that is NOT Sutter Home, Franzia, or Yellow Tail. Sutter Home White Zinfandel was God in 1985–sadly it’s now tanker truck wine. Choose good wine–wine that is recommended by the store owner or manager is usually a good bet. Better wine makes for a more nefarious you!

While one of my dear Nefarious Ones likes Bogle (which I like too), I find that I am at my most nefarious while drinking Gnarly Head Old Vine Zin.
EVERYONE should bring a corkscrew. Trust me, this is a MUST.
Okay, your stemware doesn’t HAVE to look like the Holy Grail, but can’t you see how awesomely nefarious you can be if you were holding one?
I just found THIS beauty, which has LOADS of pockets for wine and other nefarious stuff.

Personally, I prefer my camp rocking chair, but hey, it’s a good picture of camp chairs…

Step 3: Location, Location, Location.

Of course, I do prefer a campsite for Nefarious Activities, but sometimes you have to do with a backyard. If you don’t have to have a campfire (or it’s raining) I suggest moving Wine Club to a basement that has been thoroughly scanned for listening devices.

And watch out for equipment like Alexa: she’s listening to everything you say…

Step 4: Vet Your Wine Club Friends.

We live in some strange times, my friends. There are spies everywhere. Here are some tips for making sure that your friends are nefarious enough to be in your Wine Club.

  1. Does the person have a history of being a good friend even when everything has gone to hell in a hand basket?
  2. Does the person understand the sanctity of Wine Club?
  3. Does the person bring an array of nefarious skills to Wine Club? Nefarious skills include being able to whisper, being able to laugh even when the chips are down, and being able to listen to another member’s troubles.
Does your potential Wine Club participant’s name appear in a folder marked “Top Secret” or:

I think this is self-explanatory.

Mind you, the person does not HAVE to appear in such documents, but it does credit to their nefariousness if they do.

Go forth, gather your friends, drink wine, laugh, cry, talk, and above all…